No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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