why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
