when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
