Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize