i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
