bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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