I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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