Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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