Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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