I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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