I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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