Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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