i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
