Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
