I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
