So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
