You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
