hotel room ftw
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
