I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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