I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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