our cab driver is having phone sex.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
