Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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