The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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