I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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