I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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