i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
