I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
