1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
