Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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