I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize