The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize