At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
