I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize