Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
