My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
