This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
