I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
