His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
