Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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