my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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