Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
