My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
