girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
