At least make sure they are 18
Why
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize