I smell stomach acid.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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