You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize