This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
