When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
