: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
