i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
