I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
