If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
