you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
