your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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