I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
