I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize