I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
this beer tastes like vomit already
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
