Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We have so much sex to catch up on
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
